Do you know where your kids are?

“Fathers, do not exasperate your children; instead, bring them up in the training and instruction of the Lord.” Ephesians 6:4 NIV

Someone once asked me a question that still makes me laugh. He was looking for parenting advice regarding some behaviors of his son. He asked me “When your dad wanted you to make good choices what kind of options did he give you?” It still makes me smile. My dad was a no option kind of behavior specialist and he was undefeated.

I am not saying options are a negative, we use them sometimes. The thought just makes me smile. He was not mean. He did not beat us. I know he loved us. But he meant every word that ever came out of his mouth and usually it could be summed up “Do this or I’ll put your stuff on the porch. You can pick it up later.” He never had to do it. But I think we all thought that he would.

We grew up with both parents working, but mom was always home first, and she was outnumbered. She literally had to be exhausted seven days a week. Many times, we faced the directive to go into our room and wait until our dad came home. That time interval sucked, but what we imagined happening was always worse than the actual interaction.

One of my favorite stories involved my sister Sally. She was the most creative at ways to challenge authority. One particular time she had to wait in her room for something she did. Dad came home and got the behavior report. I think mom told him to go spank the little hellion. He went in and after talking to her, he spanked the pillow in her room and told her to act like it hurt. Sometimes we got the spanking. However, on that day he must have seen that it was not the right choice. He did something he probably thought he would never do, but he adapted his style to fit the needs of his daughter that day.

Mary and I have been blessed with three humans who call us mom and dad. I think every parent who has lost a child has dreaded the question “How many kids do you have?” The answer to the question points out what I am thinking about tonight. To be honest I have disclosed only two names on rare occasions. There are times when you know answering that question will be followed with “How old are they?” or something like that. Telling a stranger about Jordyn can crush them. I talk to strangers a lot, but I feel bad even admitting that thought. It is sometimes easier, but my role as her dad does not necessarily include being easy. I have seen God use it, but sometimes I flinch.

On some occasions, I do not want to feel crushed either. It is completely natural for us to talk about Jordyn in the present tense. I am her dad and Mary is her mom. Aly and Korbin still have a third. My role as Jordyn’s father has changed. Obviously, we all wish she was still here. There is joy remembering her, but there is also pain. I would not wish that kid away for anything, but I have had to adapt my parenting to fit the kid. If I meet her where she is, I have to be willing to spill my guts to total strangers on a regular basis.

Adapting is also required with the other two. Autism will adjust your plans, daily. We have both seen people look at us like terrible parents. He is 17 and looks it. But his personality does not have an age and it never has. We have both spent hours on a trampoline praying for two seconds of eye contact with him. But that is where he was. We have to think of details the way he does or we reduce his chances for a successful interaction with what we think of as regular. Our house has a heartbeat tailored to the needs of one. Hearts beating in unison can be quite beautiful.

The needs of a neurotypical teenager require the same thing. I feel like Aly does not get enough credit for what she has endured and accomplished. She purposefully wanted to have her own direction, not that of Jordyn’s little sister. She will tell you that I was more strict than some of her friends described their fathers to be. I was fine with that. She told me that word got around that I took one of her early “boyfriends” to the cemetery to have a talk. I was fine with that. He needed to know some things. She would also tell you that I taught her how to mix a drink when she was too young to be legal. My dad would have put my stuff on the porch. She was going to be around it and she would need to know some things. I was not granting her permission as much as I was trying to forge relationship. My goals as a father did not change but I adapted to the kid.

Mary and I had to resist the temptation to hold on too tightly out of fear. Doing so would have hindered the spirit in both of them and that would have robbed the world of beauty. We had to understand that each kid needed to go their own direction. They do not want to feel crushed either.

Look back, how often have you modified your own behavior as a parent? I am not talking about lack of expectations or consequences to make life easier for your child. As your kids have grown have you grown in how you accomplish your role as a parent?

How often have you noticed that the results are far greater than you ever hoped for? Do we tell them that?

Challenge: Exasperated is defined as “Intensely irritated and frustrated.” The verse is directed to fathers for a reason. Why is that? Could it be that “training and instruction of the Lord” – is often lost in the struggle to raise a compliant human?

Jesus came here to meet us where we are, maybe not to achieve compliance as much as to change our hearts. Thankfully, He did not leave us where we were, He gave us a new destination. If He had stayed where He was most of us would have never met Him. He pursued us. Can our kids say the same?

Rick Claiborn