Husbands, love your wife

“Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave Himself up for her to make her holy, cleansing her by the washing with water through the word, and to present her to himself as a radiant church, without stain or wrinkle or any other blemish, holy and blameless.” Ephesians 5:25-27 NIV

I love my wife. I knew pretty fast that if I let her walk out of my life I would regret it. I knew in probably two dates, thought about proposing in the second week but waited to ask her to marry me within three months. We are over 30 years into marriage and I am still trying to figure out how to best love her. She keeps changing, so I have to keep up.

What I mean by that is that since we have met, we have progressed through various stages of life – from dating to living together to married; no kids to one, two and then three and then having one go home early; no autism to autism, young to older and maybe on to just old; all among others. We are not different than any other couple in that we have made mistakes in all areas, but fortunately we have gotten past the obstacles.

When we met, nothing really important had happened to either of us yet. She did not fall in love with an insurance agent or with someone who moonlights in real estate. I was in better shape physically and did not yet know my own limitations. When you date you present the best picture possible. If I had presented her with an overweight and out of shape old man I think she would have passed.

We know couples who struggle. We have friends who would literally fight over whether or not they fight. We hear about arguments and can feel tension among friends at times. I can honestly say that I only remember one full on yelling argument in 30 plus years. I am sure she has been mad at me other times, but we can usually let peace win. I do not think of myself as a great husband. I think of myself as authentic. That usually helps even when she thinks I have lost my mind.

We have counselled several couples over the years and the above verse is the primary thing I see husbands struggle with. What does it mean “… and to present her to himself as a radiant church, without stain or wrinkle or blemish…”?

First, the above verse is written to husbands, wives are addressed a few verses earlier. I think one mistake husbands make is confusing themselves with the writer of this verse. We think it is our job to let our wives know what the bible says about them. I think that is a mistake. My job is to know what God is telling me. Her faith walk will include what God wants her to know but that has to come from Him, not me.

Then the words “present her to himself” show up. I have come to understand that as simply meaning that it is how I look at her. As special as Mary is, she will still have plenty of insecurities without my help. If I look at her as radiant, I may be the only person on earth doing so, because she will absolutely not look at herself that way. My job is making sure at least half of the view she has of herself resembles how God Himself looks at her.

If you ask your wife if she feels loved, do you dread the answer? Wives you can ask your husband the same question.

Do you spend more time thinking about how she could be a better spouse than you do wondering how you can be a better spouse?

Challenge: Getting this right. People struggle and life is hard sometimes. Embracing the journey, including the failures, is when life really shines. Dierks Bentley has a line in one of his songs, “Hard times put the shine into the diamond, and I’ll pray till Jesus rolls away the stone.” Present her to yourself as that diamond.

Rick Claiborn