I E P

“For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.” Jeremiah 29:11 NIV

If you have a child on an IEP through school, you relate to this. It stands for Individualized Education Program. Once a year the team of people who works with your child has to evaluate them. Goals previously set have to be reviewed. New goals have to be established. It is a necessary process, but it can be intimidating. Keep in mind that most of the people who are on the team love your child. Some of them lose sleep trying to figure out ways to connect with them.

The problem can be that in the process of doing so, your child has to be boiled down to black and white. Trying to measure the linear progress of a human who does not line up with any standard is tough. You read phrases like “Significant impairment”. You see the tiniest improvement because they measure it. It makes you realize that your child has made progress, but it can be striking how small the measurable progress can be. It can scare you that in spite of the efforts of people who know what they are doing, no progress is made in some areas.

I read the IEP for our son today. If you do not know Korbin that document would make him look pretty hopeless. If you boil him down to what grade level he tests at you wonder how in the world anything is going to be okay. If I am not careful, I can feel like I have failed as a father.

What hit me the hardest was the fact that I am 40 years older than him. I will be gone from this earth for a long time before he is. What happens then? I know Aly and Logan fully accept him, but a lot will be asked of them and they will have their own lives.

Questions come into your mind. How will he know how to pay for anything – groceries, utilities, etc. He has been buying stuff on Amazon since he was 3. We have learned to use good password protection. He literally has dates of movie deliveries negotiated with my wife through December 16, 2022 (when he turns 18). He can add numbers in his head and tell you the right answer, but I do not think he relates to $15 being $5 less than $20 at the store. He once had $480 in movies in his cart. Mary negotiated him all the way down to $28. To him, the amount is not meaningful.

Will he ever live on his own? Will he ever have a job? Will he meet someone? Will he have a sense of accomplishment? Will he be bored? Does he think about wanting to drive? I know that is not possible right now. He told his teachers he wants to be a photographer. He has taken pictures that are fascinating, things like reflections backwards in a mirror, lights from weird angles, the backs of things (instead of how we normally look at things from the front). He also has told us he wants to be a fireman and he has many friends on the Hays Fire Department. They let him come in and he looks in and around all of the trucks, he visits their living quarters and pretty much acts like he owns the station. I also realize that I had the same concerns for our daughters and that you have the same concerns for your kids.

My wife told me one time that I took emotional responsibility for everyone I knew. I was so proud of myself. She followed that sentence with “That’s dumb. You can’t do that.” She was not trying to make me feel bad or anything. She was just giving me some well-motivated correction. She meant that if someone I knew was struggling, I consider it my fault.

So what do I do with this? This is our son. Autism is not my fault. It is not Korbin’s fault. It just is. If you ever said anything was “wrong” about him, Jordyn would come unglued. He did not need to be fixed. I agree with her on that point. In many ways I think he represents what we all would look like with no worry and no deception. But what am I supposed to do for him? I know how much money it takes “on average” to fund a life on the spectrum. How do I do that?

I have a theory on the matter. I love my life. I am honestly the most blessed person I know, and I do not take saying that lightly. But I know a lot of people who would say that on some levels I have failed. On some levels I have. On some level we have faced what looks like more difficulties than others have. Our finances are not where they should be. But they also are not where they could be if you know what I mean. Many people have more than us, but many people have nothing. People have achieved more than me. Some people have worked harder than me. Jordyn dying in that car wreck in some ways made her untouchable. You tend to eulogize people in the positive. However, Aly can tell you about times she laid awake at night listening to Jordyn and I arguing telling herself she did not want to be anything like her. Aly herself has both joys and struggles that are unique to her. Some are rough, but she is one of the best people I have ever known. Mary and I have been married for 30 years and I am still learning about things that she struggles with.

What if? What if God mapped out a plan specific to me? What if God wrote an IEP for me? What if my entire life – failures, victories, goals achieved and goals missed, lack of progress next to mountains moved - has reinforced the lesson that God has it under control? What if all of my own insecurities and battles can be handed to Him? What if my family, the most important thing on earth to me, can in fact be placed right at His feet? What if I do not have to be anything? What if He can take care of Korbin? What if I have to not cling so tight for Him to do so? What if I count the victories? What if He does meet someone? What if the worst case means me spending more of my life watching someone whose biggest problem is interaction with the world? I do not think Korbin struggles with interaction with God.

What is your biggest worry? Your biggest fear? What keeps you up at night?

How are you trying to handle that? Are your efforts succeeding? Most of mine are not.

Challenge: Yup, trust Him. Even though He gives me a role to play, I have to trust Him.

Rick Claiborn