I need to be...

“but I see another law at work in me, waging war against the law of my mind and making me a prisoner of the law of sin at work within me.” Roman 7:23 NIV

A long time ago I helped host a Men’s Retreat for our church. We held it at a farm and the owner made us work as part of the experience. Ironically, we castrated cattle. Odd thing to do at a men’s retreat, but we did. We centered the retreat on finding out who God considered you to be. Several times in the bible God changes the name of someone He calls. Saul became Paul, Jacob became Israel, He called people, then He gave them a name, not always, but often.

During one session we sent everyone on a solo journey to find their name. It was based on the statement, “God, you know the kind of man you had in mind when you made me. How am I doing?” I still ask God that question. On that day we scattered all over that land and many men came back with stories of an encounter with God.

I remember it well. That day there was a large gathering of some type of bird. I think they were starlings, little and loud. I asked God my name and just sat there listening. “Do er”. “Do er”. I kept hearing it and started trying to listen. I got a peaceful message from God that day. “You’ve always got to be doing something.” I know several men who heard a name that day and many of them heard Him in those birds.

I know that I have heard people say they have heard from God. I sometimes doubt that, although I have no idea why I would doubt it. If you doubt too, I get it. There is nothing unique about me. But God is not limited in how or to whom He communicates. Most of the time when I ask God a question, I hear silence. Sometimes my own idea of how I want to handle something keeps popping into my mind and I am really just asking God to go along with it. Occasionally I hear what I believe is God.

I heard an audible voice the week our daughter died. Without that I may have lost sanity. Other times it is more of an internal voice. But “Do er” was unmistakable and appropriate. I often think I need to be doing something. I usually associate that with things that I think are wrong. In other words, if something is wrong in life, I tend to think that God is letting me know that it’s me. Ironically, I do not tend to think of myself as good enough at very many things, which makes it all the more unusual for me to get a message from God.

I got one of those last night. I woke up at 11:30 and felt surrounded. It felt like I could feel spiritual battle, like maybe I interrupted it. Again, if you have doubt I understand. This sounds wild. I have mentioned that I feel like I have been in a prolonged period of testing. That also means that I have been in a prolonged period of second guessing. I have an enemy who wants to use “Do er” against me. “Just not good enough boy.” That voice is pretty consistent and loud. I know it is not from God, but I hear it all the time.

Ephesians 6:12 tells us “For our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the authorities, against the powers of this dark world and against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms.” I had chills running down my spine, never felt that before. For maybe an hour it seemed like I sort of got a glimpse, I felt like I could feel evil. I was trying to pray through it, but I could not keep a focused attention.

“I need to be.” “I need to be.” I started hearing that. After a while I concluded that message was in fact my own. I keep thinking that I must be doing something wrong, thus the reason for the battle. Instead, what I came to think is that Satan will continually tell me that I need to be something. If I listen to that then everything centers on me. No! God consistently tells me that I need to be nothing. I do not have to be good enough. I have grace. I do not need to be the prefect spiritual head of my family. God is capable without me, and they are all walking with Him already. I do not have to earn enough. God has never stopped providing, I just keep judging what He is providing. I don’t have to worry about the future. In fact, the day I lived today used to be a future that I worried about, and it was a good day. Why was I worried?

The peaceful realization is that my life is not really about me anyway. It’s about Him. “I need to be nothing” can mean that I have to consider myself last, after God and others. It can also mean that I do not have to accomplish anything to enable God to work. Thankfully, I think it actually means both.

What is the most frequent negative thought you have?

Do you ever ask God what He thinks about the issue?

Challenge: All of us have a narrative in our own head. Most people run with the negative. That is usually not self-talk. That is self-listening. Instead of just listening for a negative message, be active. Tell yourself what to think. If you do not know, ask God. If you need help with that, ask me or someone you trust. We forget that we will run headlong into a spiritual war that places us at odds with the very thing we are trying to fight. What if instead of listening to the voice in our head we start being the voice in our head “I am His, I need to be nothing.”

Rick Claiborn