Oh, how He loves us

“Love’s like a hurricane, I am a tree, bending beneath the weight of His wind and mercy. When all of a sudden, I am unaware of these afflictions eclipsed by glory. And I realize just how beautiful You are and how great Your affections are for me”.

“And we are His portion and He is our prize, drawn to redemption by the grace in His eyes. If His grace is an ocean, we’re all sinking. And heaven meets earth like an unforeseen kiss. And my heart turns violently inside of my chest. I don’t have time to maintain these regrets when I think about, the way… that He loves us.” David Crowder.

I am an emotional man. My daughter tells stories about Saturdays at our house growing up. She routinely came upstairs and saw me in tears about some “30 for 30” episode on ESPN. So, I am not denying the emotional tone of my life.

Many times, it comes out from a song. A good worship song can rip me open. I may not be burdened by anything in particular. I just think sometimes I can get my heart close to my Savior, I may not be hearing anything from Him and I may not have anything specific to say to Him. My only response is to cry.

I have two songs on my “Do not listen to publicly” list. One is “I can only imagine” by Mercy Me. It played at my mom’s funeral eighteen years ago. I have literally never listened to it since. If it comes on, the radio gets turned off. No particular reason for this, but she can show me how it is when I get there.

The other is by David Crowder called “How He loves us”. I love the song, but it has been years since I have listened to it. There is a back story as to why. After Jordyn died there was an obvious amount of emotion. You had to almost compartmentalize your life to function. You have to go to work. People you do not know get nervous when you cry in their living room. You have to go out in public. I remember times crying in the line at Walmart. I once held hands with a cashier once while she cried. People get a little freaked out by that.

Church at that time was one of the only places I let all of it go. That also impacted people sitting next to me, but church is where it came out. I do not remember having ever heard the song prior to that. However, my friend Kael who is the worship leader at our church, actually does the best version of that song I have ever heard. I used to just sit there sobbing during the music.

I believed the preaching. I believed the testimonies. I was already a saved man. But the music let my heart get rid of some of the pressure so it did not explode. I did not think Kael noticed this to be honest, there were lots of people in the room. He finally broke the news to me that it was pretty hard to watch. He actually used to send me a text to warn me if he was going to sing that song so I could try to get my shiz together. It never worked.

I have no idea how anyone sings a specific note. I cannot. It baffles me that someone can sing at a funeral. Kael sang at Jordyn’s funeral, but I do not know how. He sang at his dad’s funeral, no idea how. God can use people in multiple ways simultaneously, but I absolutely believe that God put Kael in Hays to help our hearts heal.

Tonight, on the way home from a fairly rough day at work, the song came on. I decided to give it a go. I do not know if emotional breakdowns when going 80 mph on the highway are a great idea, but we made it. Jordyn has been gone 13 years. There is still plenty of pain to go around, but a different emotion came out tonight. Thankfulness.

I was still crying, but it was different. I thought about Jordyn, the blessing. But I also thought about my lion-hearted wife, a blessing. My one-of-a-kind daughter Aly, a blessing. My son, the arbiter of peace, a blessing. Aly’s husband, a blessing. Our granddaughter, a blessing. Writing, a blessing. My life, a blessing. I could go on for a while. All Blessing. Oh, how He loves me.

If I had a bad dream about some monster my dad used to tell me to stare right at it and tell it to leave. True story. I think I feel myself doing that to some of the pain.

I am 58 and learning more and more about surrendering things to God. Do you have anything you need to hand over to Him. I’m still working on it.

Challenge: Not letting our grip be so tight on good things or painful things. Jesus can handle both.

Rick Claiborn