Agree to Agree

“If it is possible, as far as it depends on you, live at peace with everyone.” Romans 12:18 NIV

Have you ever heard someone say, “Well I guess we just have to agree to disagree”? It happens in arguments or any kind of discussion on any topic from large to small. Political views, different? We just agree to disagree. This brand is better than this brand. We agree to disagree. It happens all the time. I have seen it applied in all areas of life, including marriage.

My wife and I have been married for 30 years and the best compliment I think I have ever received is when someone told us we make marriage look easy. I have heard many speakers and many friends tell me that marriage is a lot of hard work. It’s a lot of sacrifice. I know I may not be normal, but I can honestly say that has not been my experience.

Being married to her is literally the easiest thing in my life. We have had our struggles. We have struggled financially. We have a son who is autistic and he didn’t sleep much – like never more than two hours at a time - for around 7 years. During this time we got very little sleep. Exhaustion is a real thing. He fortunately now sleeps but presents both challenge and indescribable blessing every day. The divorce rate of parents with a special needs child is very high.

We also lost our oldest daughter 10 years ago in a car accident when she was just 16 years old. That alone was enough of a test to last the rest of our lives. You will hear more from me on that topic. But we face the weight of that every day.

The one consistent thing throughout all of this is Mary and I have unity. We do not ever agree to disagree. We agree to agree. There is no fight lingering under the surface. There are no topics that do not allow us to find common ground at some level.

To accomplish this someone must move from whatever spot they have taken and move toward the other. At its best we both move toward each other. If we do not agree on a topic we simply decide what the plan is and do it. We do a pretty good job at just allowing our mind to change to find a spot that fits the marriage best.

I am not trying to say we are perfect. We are not. I am not trying to tell you that it is always an obvious shift. Sometimes it takes a little time. There are moments my wife looks at me like I have lost my mind and she may be accurate. However, she can change my perspective faster than anyone. I just have to hear her.

What is your most consistent source of tension with your wife? If you do not know that answer then ask your wife and be prepared to hear her answer.

Once you know this topic ask yourself: What have I done to see from her perspective?

Then challenge yourself. Any time you feel tension or disagreement ask yourself “How much peace can I bring to this situation right now?” After all, if it depends on you who else is going to do it.

Rick Claiborn