Weigh the day

“They tie up heavy, cumbersome loads and put them on other people’s shoulders, but they themselves are not willing to lift a finger to move them.” Matthew 23:4 NIV

This verse is convicting today. This past Saturday would have been our oldest daughters 28th birthday. She was 16 when she died so we have gone through 11 birthdays since. Old habit by now, right? No. There was no specific milestone. There was no specific event to coincide with, just a regular day to remember. The milestone days are hard. But really at this point the milestones make it harder only in the sense that other people remember those more as well. In other words, June 26th is not different to me than February 3rd or any other day – she is not here for either.

Her birthday is really the only time we let our minds just wander into the “what if’s” thinking about what all would be happening if she were still here. We have some understanding that since she left at 16 none of the future events were ever going to happen. We saw the duration of her life. Her future husband, kids, pursuits, her laughing out loud and every February 3rd or any other day never existed.

Really, for the most part we are doing well. We are not stuck in it. But you can get fooled. You think the events seem real even though they are not. You think other people are maybe having a great day even though you are struggling. One problem with that thought is that you hesitate to call someone because you do not want to mess up one of their real days for one of your invisible ones.

We got our rear ends kicked. Honestly, it was one of the toughest days we have had in a very long time. We had already planned a trip to our camper for the next day and I am really thankful for that. It got us back out in fresh air, but it was still tough. I did not really feel like I got back to normal until today, which is Tuesday.

Sometimes the memories are straight up funny. She was a nut. Most of my memory revolves around the good things. The joy has squeezed the hard into a smaller space than it used to occupy, which is great. I am not beating myself up for struggling. But I got to thinking today. Last year Aly and Logan got married two weeks before on June 13th. That single event occupied our minds and calendars and I still rank the wedding as the best day of my life – so far. It infused joy into the equation. We sort of skipped a year as far as her birthday stinging so much. I let my guard down.

The lesson for me is simple. I forgot to weigh the day. I assumed normal operating procedure when I should have been in battle mode. I walked into a minefield without fully using the armor that God can equip us with.

How often do I look at my family’s heavy days in advance and prayerfully prepare? That’s one of my jobs.

How often do I let a heavy day turn into a heavy week? A heavy month? I make Satan’s job easier if I hand him the same defeat on more than one day.

Challenge: Some days just weigh more than others. Prayerfully preparing takes on more importance when the struggle is heavier.

Rick Claiborn