You going to be okay out here by yourself?

“He said to her, ‘Daughter, your faith has healed you. Go in peace and be freed from your suffering.” Mark 5:34 NIV

We know some beautiful human beings. Our kids brought home friends we obviously would have never met otherwise. Some of those are still very much part of the family. Some of those have gone on to have kids of their own. It is a beautiful thing to watch.

One of those friends, in particular, is on my mind today. We do not get to see her as much as we would like, but once a year at the Free Spirit Run, we get to. It is a beautiful way to get together and celebrate. There are usually a lot of people and it can be noisy.

At one of those events this tiny little human was going into the house to play or get food or something. She turned around and asked her mom “You going to be okay out here by yourself?” It was one of the cutest things I have ever heard.

It is relevant because I feel a little bit like Jordyn would be looking at me asking the same question. As of this week, she has been gone 14 years. At first, I would have never said that I would be okay. I would tell her that she needed to stay here. I think now the answer has changed. I’m not denying pain. There are times it just still hurts and I hate the saying that “time heals all wounds”. I don’t think time has any impact on the hurt. I think healing has impact on the hurt and there is a big difference between time and healing.

I can recall memories of Jordy at will. At times memories just come flying into focus with no effort on my part. But if I was reunited with her tonight I would have so many things to tell her. I would have so many things to show her.

I remember a period of time that was probably one of the hardest for me. To feel normal for a moment, to laugh at a joke, to look forward to anything was unthinkable. Being numb is a real thing. At one point we could feel nothing. But as time moved us forward you could catch yourself feeling normal or hear yourself laughing. Then the worst thing would hit me, guilt. There was a time when I would feel guilty for being okay.

I do not believe God drives me by guilt. He will drive me with a conviction or a purpose or through any means He chooses, but that is different than guilt. If I can identify what I am feeling as guilt, I am tuned in to the voice of evil. I do not want that for one second.

Now, however, there is less conflict of emotions. That has been replaced. What I have come to know about healing is that you have to place yourself next to things that have the potential to heal in order to experience healing.

Work won’t do it. Money won’t do it. Friends can help, but they cannot be the healing ointment itself. I already had grace. I grew up knowing about Jesus and I had already accepted Him as my Savior. What I have learned is that in addition to grace, Jesus offers me peace. Jordy didn’t turn back around to ask me if I would be okay without her. On that day I would have said no.

But then peace kept popping up. Her sister, her brother, her niece, her mom and all of those friends we still get to see. Man, I could show her some beautiful things. But I could show her peace that I would never have even dreamed possible. It is ironic that the daughter missing is both the source of the hurt and the greatest source of peace to help me heal. Jordyn loved her Jesus and she would want you to as well.

What is the greatest source of pain – emotional or physical – in your life?

What kind of ointment are you using and how is that working?

Challenge: Remembering that Jesus is not asking me if I am going to be okay here by myself. I have Him.

Rick Claiborn