Again you'll see through the eyes of a little girl

“So, turn around you’re not too far to back away be who you are to change your path go another way.  It’s not too late, you can be saved.  If you feel depressed with past regrets, the shameful nights hope to forget can disappear, they can all be washed away.  By the one who’s strong, can right your wrongs, can rid your fears dry all your tears and change the way you look at this big world.  He will take your dark distorted view and with His light, He will show you truth and again you’ll see through the eyes of a little girl.”  “There could never be a more beautiful you” by Jonny Diaz

This week will mark 17 years since we lost one of our little girls, Jordyn Katherine Claiborn.  We picked a song for our daughter’s funeral called “There could never be a more beautiful you”.  The title and chorus were perfect, but we look back on it now and the actual lyrics did not really apply to Jordyn.  “Little girl fourteen flipping through a magazine, says she wants to look that way.  But her hair isn’t straight, her body isn’t fake and she’s always felt overweight”. 

Thankfully, none of that describes Jordy.  She may have struggled with the opposite, thinking the magazine was screwed up not having her picture in it.  She did not lack confidence. 

Her Youth Pastor called me after the first time she attended Cross Current, the Youth Program at our church.  He told me that he had never broken a promise to keep a young person’s confidence, but he was making an exception that he thought was acceptable.  He had simply asked them to fill out a card with any prayer requests so he could pray for any problems they were having.  She signed her card and wrote “Pray for your own problems.  I don’t have any.”  She was just 12 years old when she wrote that.  She found Jesus early in her life and their relationship was never stronger than it was on the night she died, September 11, 2009, just four years after she wrote that. 

It is September.  I would describe this time of year like the weather in early spring.  A nice day in March may make it feel like spring, but you know it isn’t.  The next good weather day may fool you again.  Then, one day you walk out and it smells like Spring.  You know it is real.  September has always sort of smelled different.  That is real.  There are a lot of memories and reminders and football games and sirens that all make it smell like September.  Also, Jordyn is still not here, that part never changes.

But just like waiting for the season to change, the aroma is a little different now.  We were introduced to Harlee Logan Reed just four years ago.  It felt like the season of our life shifted.  Two years later we were introduced to Oliver Jordyn Reed, again a different aroma, and completely different level of chaos to be honest.  Four days ago, we were introduced to Reece Katherine Reed.  September most definitely smells different. 

On the day Reece was born, we were at home and Harlee and Ollie were with us, waiting on the news of a new member of the family.  Harlee was a little anxious.  She is so much like her mom at that age it is crazy.  Harlee, however, has better parents than her mom had.  Listening to Aly and Logan guide those little blessings is beautiful, but her mom was busy delivering a baby, which has to be a bizarre concept for a kid to deal with.  Without her mom and dad there, I watched my granddaughter take her anxiety to the only place she knew. 

She has a device that reads books to her.  She can set the dial to the story of her choosing and just listen as she follows along in her book.  The interesting part is the books she had stacked neatly around her were all bible stories.  I watched as she spent over an hour looking perfectly content listening to stories about how Jesus loves her, cares for her and provides for her.  She took the initiative and made her own choices.  Aunt Jordy would be proud of her.  That day I was again seeing through the eyes of a little girl – named Harlee. 

Have you ever felt like you were moving blessings out of sight so you can see a problem?  I think sometimes it is unavoidable.  Sometimes a memory will just slap me right in the face because the loss is so complete. 

But sometimes, the blessings that I do not deserve and cannot take credit for are so complete that even problems or pain or grief moves and all I can see are blessings.

Challenge: Believe that eventually joy is stronger than grief.  I have had peace, but it took years to find the joy I now feel.  Even through struggle, you were made to fill a purpose that only you could do.  So there could never be a more beautiful you.