Be who you say you are

“I am not commanding you, but I want to test the sincerity of your love by comparing it with the earnestness of others.” 2 Corinthians 8:8 NIV

No offense, but whoever made up the saying “sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me” should maybe be hit with a stick. Obviously sticks and stones can hurt you but the older I get the more I am aware of words that hurt. Unfortunately, I have delivered a lot of words in my lifetime. I heard a good quote about it once, “If you can’t improve on silence – don’t”. I have thrown out a lot of careless syllables instead of letting silence be okay.

Our house is maybe quieter than most. Korbin does not always tolerate noise or even music very well. He has improved over time, but we are still kind of quiet. What I have struggled the most with is tone. I sound far more angry than I usually am. Having kids touches both ends of that scale. You may actually be mad at them, but you can wound pretty easily too. Correction is necessary, but verbal wounds can hurt for a very long time and tone can inflict unintentional damage pretty easily.

Harlee continues to teach me. She is not even two years old yet but if she gets alarmed at a tone or even the voice of a stranger talking to her that bottom lip can pop out pretty fast. She is getting old enough to have more of her own ideas of where to go and what to do – like run toward the street in front of our house. She just laughs because she knows grandma or grandpa is going to chase her. It’s a game, but if I have to get after her she still does not really believe that I am telling her “No”. I wish I would have been more aware of my tone earlier in life.

Another way I think words can wound is not in tone, it is in saying one thing but doing another. If I promise my son or daughter that I will do something, it should be as good as done. When my wife and I walked down the aisle I promised her everything. That day she got everything I would ever have, good or bad.

I have mentioned it before, but the divorce rate for parents of a child on the spectrum is around 90 percent. Overall, the divorce rate is around 50 percent. Unfortunately, I think that is due to a lot of fathers walking away from work. Maybe some moms do, but kids on the spectrum are often raised by newly single moms. In reality, every child is on the spectrum when you think about it. No two are the same and all have their own characteristics that make them unique.

Gentlemen, I think we are often guilty of overpromising and under delivering. Not just in raising a child on the spectrum, but in raising any child. Not just in households on the spectrum, but in all households. Not in all cases, but there are a lot of moms out there who feel alone and exhausted. We cannot solve every issue; life takes work that is not always rewarded. Some things are not necessarily good or bad, just work. But are we pulling our own weight? Are we as tired as she is? Probably not, even when we think we are.

Everyone knows someone who has just doesn’t try very hard. But when you see someone who just does not seem to care it sticks out. That can either be from apathy regarding the topic or being disillusioned about our effort. We are not usually working as hard as we think we are. Under delivered effort to keep our vows can cause serious wounds.

Are we doing what we said we would do at our wedding?

Are we doing what we said we would do yesterday?

Challenge: How good is it to be married to you? I think it is better to deliver sincere, even if unsuccessful, effort than to deliver an apathetic nothing.

Rick Claiborn