I hate to disappoint you

“Fools mock at making amends for sin, but goodwill is found among the upright.”  Proverbs 14:9 NIV

“Clearly no one who relies on the law is justified before God.”  Galatians 3:11 NIV

     When my dad turned 50 my mom had us decorate his truck to surprise him.  He usually got up around 4:30 AM to get ready for work.  He always made it crystal clear that anyone calling him dad should never be late for anything.  He practiced what he preached.  He got up early enough to drink a pot, not a cup, of coffee, and he left early enough that if he had a flat, he could change the tire and still be early for work.  But I remember while we were decorating it thinking “50?”  “How soon is he going to die?”  It seemed so old to me.

     My parents did a good job, not perfect.  No one does.  Also, the age gap between myself and my oldest sibling is 10 years.  A lot changed during that time, so methods they used on Dianna changed by the time I arrived.  For me, they learned that one statement would convict me from as early an age as I remember lasting throughout 20 years of living in their house “I’m really disappointed in you.”  I still fight it.

     In a couple of months, I will turn 62 years old, nearer death than I prefer, but I realize that even at my age I have a lot to learn.  Specifically, I have come to grips with a few things in my walk with Jesus.  Most importantly, I have learned that the primary emotion He feels for me is not disappointment, it’s love.

     Growing up I remember thinking that God was often mad at me because my behavior deserved it.  I remember actually being taught that if something was wrong in my life it was because I had done something to disappoint God.  Further, that to make things “right” I had to figure out what that was and correct it.  Talk about hopeless.    

     Unfortunately, I carried that with me as I grew into the old man that I am now.  If I think I have disappointed someone it bothers me.  I haven’t had anyone use the word “disappointed” in years.  They haven’t had too.  I learned to use it on myself quite effectively.  There are times that it is appropriate to be disappointed in myself.  If I want to get healthier and then eat a gallon of ice cream, that is disappointing.  What is not healthy is when disappointment turns into condemnation.  That’s neither healthy nor accurate. 

     I have had this mistaken belief that if I don’t have any obvious problems or sin, God will be free to bless the effort I put into work.  I have zero guaranteed income, it is all sales.  So, in other words, if I am a good enough Christian, God will give me a paycheck on Thursday.  If I have not been good enough, I should not be surprised by no check.  As I type it, I know it is not true.  It has never been about me.    

     I think Jesus wants changed hearts more than He wants changed behavior.  Clearly, a changed heart will affect my behavior and my desire to grow closer to Jesus.  But to think that I control the Son of God in any way is a false narrative.  Jesus just loves me.  He loves you too.

Do you ever fall into the thought that the same Jesus you asked to be your Savior is looking for a reason to let go of the very soul He died to save?  That is not true.

I once asked a friend if he had ever received a blessing so big it was embarrassing.  He made it simple “Every single day."  Everything above eternity in Hell is a blessing I do not deserve.  That actually reduces the pressure to be “good enough” and points to the grace only Jesus can offer. 

Challenge:  Not making it too complicated.  Grace is unmerited, or undeserved, favor from Jesus.  He is not disappointed in me, or in you.