Five wound languages

Never give a heartfelt gift, Don’t spend enough quality time, Only touch her with my needs in mind, Don’t compliment her and mean it, Don’t do anything extra for her.

Most of us have heard of the Five Love Languages by Gary Chapman. Literally millions of people have learned how to better express love to their spouse or to people in general. I have been thinking about this for some reason today. However, I have been thinking not of the presence of those areas, but in the absence of those areas in our relationships. Specifically, I am thinking about the purposeful withholding of love.

Quality time is a primary love language for my wife. If I make an effort to meet that need it helps. We talk more. We laugh more. Issues can be discussed. Discussion of issues can also be tabled. Sometimes it is best to “just be” as she likes to say.

Sometimes life is busy and it is hard to have quality time, but even in those times other opportunities exist. Frankly, there are times that neither of us has the time or energy for any of the five areas. That happens. She knows I love her because of past effort. But if I have time and withhold it, or if I have time and avoid it, I am not just missing an opportunity to love, I may be speaking to her in a language that is not neutral. It can be a language of wounding.

We have been involved in small groups and in couples groups. We have also been involved with couples one on one in an effort to heal or grow relationships that are broken. Husbands, if your wife has an area of her heart that has been wounded and you continually fail to speak to her in a way that is loving to her, you are not just missing the opportunity to love, you are wounding her.

I think most of that happens by accident. I do not know very many people who take action on purpose to hurt anyone. But I do not think we should give ourselves a pass just because we miss the chance. We have to look inside for the motivation to get past our own agenda for the day and pay attention.

I cannot buy gifts for her all the time for several reasons, one would be cost and that is important. But if gifts become the only thing I am doing for her, they will eventually not mean much. Acts of service are a way I like to express love. But it cannot be the only thing I ever do and it cannot be motivated by trying to make her think better of me. It has to be an expression of love toward her. I think we make too many excuses. Poor effort never becomes “good enough” until our wives accept is as such. That should not happen.

Look at your “to do” list. Is your spouse on it?

Look at their face, do you see exhaustion? If so, you probably ought to be too.

Challenge: Do you spend more time thinking how she could be a better wife than you do thinking about how you can be a better husband? How is that working out? If it is not where you know it ought to be, change your language.

Rick Claiborn